It has been awhile since I last wrote you, so my opinions have been piling up. Here is my current list.... in no particular order.

1.) People who say "Pun-kin" instead of "pumpkin". Seriously... when did the mp become optional?

2.) Campaign Commercials. Nothing is more annoying than seeing a middle aged, balding, millionaire in cowboy boots tell me he is "just an average guy" who wants to "go to Washington and protect you from corrupt politicians". It is clearly just a matter of time before these same yahoos are behind a podium apologizing for sleeping with an underage intern, or playing footsie under a bathroom stall.

I want to see a political ad where a politician says " I have enough money to run for this position. When I get to Washington I will still be an arrogant pervert with questionable morals. But at least you know I won't be lying about it."

3.) People that like to complain about too much government and how we should cut government. Do these people not get that hundreds of thousands of people work for the government? I am not just talking about politicians, but people like the receptionist in the Department of Agriculture office. Next thing you know, the same people will be complaining about how the unemployment rate is too high because now all the government people got laid off.

4.) People who act like you just shot Jesus when you tell them that you don't want kids. I am going to start telling people that we can't have them because I lost my uterus is a freak underwater yoga accident, and that we can't adopt because of my shady criminal history... maybe that will stop the questions.

5.) Dreadlocks- Every time I see someone with dreadlocks I throw up a little in my mouth. Essentially it is a hairstyle that looks like someone took multiple logs of poop and attached it to your head. Seeing chunks of unknown items permanently stuck in your mop of tangled nastiness makes me want to spray you with Lysol. The only person that could possibly get away with the look is this guy:


and I am convinced he grew dreadlocks because he knew if he ever ran out of weed, he could cut off one of the dreadlocks, light it up and get high off the residue in his hair.

6.) People who put their purse on the bathroom floor. I fight the urge to tell them "Congrats you are now carrying a sack of feces, urine and miscellaneous diseases."

7.) Pimping out your car when you drive a Dodge Neon, Ford Escort, Geo Metro, Chevy Cavalier etc.... Now don't get me wrong, I think it is perfectly fine to drive a crappy car, but you must be willing to embrace the fact that it is crappy. Slapping rims and a spoiler on a Dodge Neon is like turning your car into a transvestite. You can dress it up however you want, but it still has the same parts under all those clothes. Like this car for example... Flames... really?



8.)Lady GaGa- Anyone can put on some ridiculous clothes, purchase a synthesizer and sing the same word over an over again while someone pumps the base. Wearing underwear out in public and claiming to be "misunderstood" does not make you an artist.


That's all for now. Don't worry... I will be annoyed again soon:)

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As I was driving to work this morning I encountered a rare breed of sketchy man.... "The Traffic Sleeze."

It is not the first time I have encountered such a man. They may all look different but they have several common traits, the creepy smile, the wink and the "please roll down your window and talk to me" hand motion.

Today's winner was a short man with greasy hair driving a rusty Nissan, apparently he thought this combination would be irresistible to me and with several smiles and a wink I would surely want to pull my car over and discuss our bright future together.

I once met a very similar man at a stop light, who revved his engine (in a Dodge Neon mind you) and yelled "hey baby" at me in hopes that I would be so impressed with his vehicle, sideways baseball hat and bandanna that I might want to check out what he had to offer. Instead he received a "yeah right buddy" as my window rolled up.

What I really want to ask these men is HAS THIS EVER WORKED? In the entire history of the world has any guy successfully picked up a woman in traffic?

If there has been a successful relationship that came from a man yelling at a woman through a car window,I can GUARANTEE that the lady in question has a serious drug problem, is a prostitute or has the IQ of a fence post.

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This is my top ten list of fashion items that must be banished in 2010.They are in no particular order, as all 10 of these things make me want to hurl insults at strangers I spot wearing them.

1.) Embroidered jeans on anyone over the age of 10.... This is a popular item amongst the cougar age range of women, people who live in a trailers and men over 40 who fake tan and try to date women in their 20's. These people must think that the flashiness of their pants will distract people from the ugliness of their face, but it ain't working.





2.) Shirts that come with the accessories already attached- Nothing says "this shirt came from the Miley Cyrus clothing line at Walmart" more then a shirt with a necklace already attached to it. I know getting dressed takes time, but super gluing accessories on seems a bit extreme. Buy a $5 t-shirt and take a trip to Claire's for a $10 necklace if price is a concern. The only thing that could make this item worse is to be caught wearing it with embroidered jeans....


3.) Booties- There are only two things that should ever be identified by the word "bootie," your butt and shoes for an infant. The "bootie" shoe for adult woman is like a cross-dresser, it can't decide what it wants to be. You're either a shoe or a boot. Pick one and go with it.



4.)Bohemian Chic- This is a fancy fashion term for "homeless hippy". The 1960's are over, the people that went to Woodstock are close to living in retirement communities. I get it, peace, love and the Beatles were great, but you know what else is great? Buying clothes that fit, shaving your legs and showering. Give up the petulie oil flower princess.


5.) Disney Characters on adult clothing- Everyone loves Disneyland, taking a picture with the creepy man dressed in a mouse costume is great, but being over the age of 12 and wearing clothing dedicated to the mouse house is going too far. If you really want to make your clothing extra horrible to look at, buy not only a Disney sweatshirt, but make it a "Holiday" Disney sweatshirt.



6.)The goth look- The thing that cracks me up about this is that generally the look is worn by middle aged men who never had friends, and are holding on to teenage angst for WAY too long (I'm talking to you Marilyn Manson). For the actual teens wearing the goth look to be "different", get over yourselves. You all look exactly the same...


7.) High Waist Pants- - Unless you are a size zero, these essentially end up looking like mom jeans with a camel toe on most people... just ask Jessica Simpson how these turned out..


8.) Headbands worn across your forehead- This is often seen accompanying the bohemian look, but I mostly want to tell these women "Pocahontas called and wants her head dress back." Not to mention it leaves a ridiculous red mark on your head when you take it off.



9.) Anything Ed Hardy- Poor Ed Hardy, Jon Gosselin got ahold of your clothes and ruined your image for good. Most of the time I look at people wearing these shirts and wonder "Did you go to a massage parlor and get a happy ending AND a horrible all over body tattoo?" Not to mention paying $100 for a t-shirt that cost 30 cents to make is totally nuts.


10.)Uggs in warm weather- If it is warm enough to be wearing a short skirt, then sweat must be running down your legs filling up your lamb skin boots with foul smelling foot juice. Uggs are meant to be worn with a jacket in the winter, not with a mini skirt in Malibu (yeah Pam Anderson I do mean you)


Please people... I am begging you to clean out your closet and help prevent the horrible problem of bad fashion related eye damage in 2010.

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As if it wasn't bad enough that celebrities name their kids ridiculous things like Apple, Pilot and Jermajesty now they have taken to trying to make their sons into daughters.

It seems that there has been an increase in the number of celebrity parents who let their sons hair grow so long that it becomes impossible to distinguished between whether they are boys or girls.

I know that these kids will grow up rich and pampered, but someday they are going to have to look back at their baby pictures and they will be justifiably angry that their parents made them look like a bunch of pansies.

I will admit that I have always thought long hair on dudes is a horrible idea. I am pretty sure if women wanted to run their fingers through long, silky ponytails they would become lesbians.

So listen up Celine Dion, Kate Hudson, Cindy Crawford and the rest of you hippy loving celebrity moms..... You have sons not daughters accept it and quit forcing your kids to look like transvestites.

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